Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
