Non-Jews are for practice
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize