i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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