I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
