Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
