Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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