My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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