girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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