Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
