You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
