I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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