I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
