Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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