Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
