I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
