he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
MIDGETS
????
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
