That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize