there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
