I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
