im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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