our cab driver is having phone sex.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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