hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
