I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize