tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You need Xanax blowdarts
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
