Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
