Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
