She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
