did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Jerry, you need to find god
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
