Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
