she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
