Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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