I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I think my nap took me to another dimension
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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