He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
