Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
