can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
