Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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