Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
