You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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