he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
