his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you will always have a special place in my vag
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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