I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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