I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
