besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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