o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
