i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
