How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
