you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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