I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
