Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
