Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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