Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize