I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
