really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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