I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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