i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
