i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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