you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Four minutes until I can fart!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
