forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
