if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
