She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
